THE MOTHERLESS MOTHER - Mother's Day Inspirational

The last thing I want from anyone is to be pitied. I spent my whole life trying to keep my chin up and move onto the adult that I have become. I am a very strong person and let me assure you I am also a very happy and content woman. I'm also an excellent mother and I am very proud of this! Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I'm finally writing after about 37 years about something that is always on my mind especially around Mother's Day.

Many people close to me know my situation and the tragedy that overwhelmed my childhood. I was telling my children the other day about an old friend of mine in elementary school. She made fun of me in front of all of my friends at school after my mothers death and I never forgot it. Especially since her mother was close friends with my mother before it all happened. Children can be cruel and I have witnessed this on many occasions with my young children now who are both in elementary school. I often blame the parents when I see a child act out in such a strong way. I have written many poems about losing my mother throughout the years and I have tried really hard to be a wonderful and a giving mother to my two children. I was terrified of becoming a mother at one point in my life because frankly I never had a good example because my mother died when I was eight. My grandmother (her mother) was my saving grace and I was very lucky to have her. When this child who made fun of me came begging for work and money many years later, I hung up on her and refused to help. I felt like one of those talk shows when someone from the past comes and begs for forgiveness. I did feel bad, but I could not forgive the pain that she illuminated when I was a child. Now, I'm very good at forgiveness and I work on this whenever something comes up that brings up old feelings.

It is interesting for me to see the stories this weekend on aol and how the internet has become so "in your face" on holidays. The stories that I saw at the bottom of a nice one about MOTHERS were shocking. One in particular was of a boy who was tortured and molested by his mother who was a prostitute for eight years and it not only shocked me but compelled me to write this. I always wonder if I was ever better off without my mother in my life because of her life struggles and the chaos. I remember feeling relieved when she finally passed because my life was spent in turmoil for many years. I felt guilty for feeling relieved for years, but there was only so much I could handle at such a young age. After reading this horror story on aol this morning, I silently thanked god that nothing like that happened to me. My mother inflicted pain on herself and unfortunately we were around taking part in her troubles by just experiencing it from a distance. Sort of like watching a crazy movie that just never had a good ending. Parks were always a very painful place for me because you always see mothers with their children there and when mine was gone, I felt it. Later on when I took my own children to parks, I felt it again in such a surreal way. I remember the moment that I put my bare feet in the sand after many years and everything flashed back like it was yesterday. Strange.

I still feel this emotion once in a while and it comes on strong especially if I'm alone and the kids are not around. Once in a blue moon it will hit me and I can't function or move for a while. Like a wave of panic or anxiety and I have to try hard to move myself forward. I often think that the best word to describe this is "frozen." Like my whole body and mind just "stop."

I know many people who have grown up with their mothers and have complicated relationships. All I can say is that if this is you, you should try to bring the relationship to a good place before they leave this earth. I'm sure there are others reading this who have had tragic experiences like I did and let me assure you there is a way to leave it all behind.

I remember after my mothers death hiding everything like it was a deep and dark secret. Infact I never spoke about it until my thirties when I experienced a flow of depression that happens to a lot of people who lose parents when they are young. It is sort of a delayed emotional trauma that hits you later on when you least expect it. There are books that can help with this and my favorite book that I still read once in a while basically laid it all out so I could see the facts. It is called "Never The Same" By Donna Schuurman. This book was given to me by an old acquaintance who was producing a show that the writer of this book was a guest on. I will be forever thankful for this book. My sister has also read it and it was very healing to see how we were both effected in different ways at different ages. I will always thank this person for bringing it to me.

After so many years have passed, I often get excited about Mother's Day when my children make a big deal about me. Sometimes I look at them and I just can't believe I'm here with these wonderful beings! I often stare at them like a child who is in awe because children make life feel so "new" again. The things they say sometimes fuels my creativity and although raising children isn't easy, now that they are a bit older I can see myself in them and this brings me so much joy.

The most important part of being a mother is LOVE and I feel this all of the time when my children hug me and say "I Love You Mommy." This is what Mother's Day is About. So, whatever you are doing this weekend and even if you do not have children, think about a woman in your life that has nurtured her family and has tried her best. We all know that no one is perfect and sometimes mom's can just "lose it." It comes with the day they decide to give birth because when they decide to bring someone in the world, they are no longer just "ME" people. If your mother has passed or you are estranged, send a card anyway even if it is only on this one day of the year. Rejoice on how far you have come and go pick some flowers!

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